10 Things I've Learned about Marriage

In honor of our 10 year anniversary

Rob and I got married ten years ago today on a snowy day in January. We were so very young when we got married and we’ve had the privilege of growing up together and starting a family. I am so thankful we got married when we did. Cheers to ten years and many more!

In honor of the day, here are ten things I’ve learned about marriage.

1. My problems become his problems

I had a host of body image woes before I got married. Call it an eating disorder; call it body image; call it sin; call it whatever. I mistakenly thought that my body image issue was my personal issue and mine alone— and that it couldn’t possibly affect Rob as much as it affected me. How wrong I was! When you’re married, your problem can weigh just as heavily on your partner. My body image issue hurt me, so therefore it hurt Rob. In the first few years of our relationship, I came to realize I had to deal with the issue in order to save my marriage because it was hurting both of us.

2. Sometimes you have to compromise

In an ideal world, Rob and I are always are on the same page. And usually, we are! We rarely disagree. But we have disagreed about a few big things over the past ten years and have had to choose to compromise. For example: I wanted to have a baby right away after we got married and Rob wanted to wait a long time…we compromised and started to try for a baby three years in.

3. Grief can pull you apart or push you together

Everyone goes through hard things. That’s life. And some things are really, really hard. Rob and I have walked through mental illness, hospitalizations, death of grandparents, and miscarriage. When things have been tough, we’ve been united in our grief and grown closer together. That’s not a given…it’s a conscious choice.

4. Sex matters.

I’m not a sex guru or expert and I know there are a million caveats on this one. Suffice it to say, I think healthy sex matters a lot in a healthy marriage. I’ve found it’s hard to stay mad at someone when you’re having sex with him. And my two cents is: the more the better ;)

5. Show interest in your partner’s interests

Rob and I have a lot of similarities, but we also have a lot of different interests. We have found it important to show interest in the other person’s interests…even when it isn’t at all that interesting! So Rob listens to me talk about birth and writing and Peloton and I listen to him talk about the Cubs and biking and golf. It’s a way to show you care and it’s just another form of love.

6. Check in with each other throughout the day

This isn’t for everyone, but Rob and I have found that we like to check in with each other via text throughout a normal day. Little texts like “I’m thinking about you” or “How’s your day going?” or little mundane updates about the day. This helps us feel connected when we are apart during the day and cultivates our friendship.

7. Little gestures matter

It’s the little things. Rob, pouring me a cup of coffee in the morning. Me, folding his underwear the way he likes it. Rob, touching my arm as he walks by. Me, gently rubbing his head as we fall asleep. Rob, complimenting my outfit. Little gestures add up.

8. Don’t talk badly about your partner to other people

It can be so easy to bitch about your husband or wife when you’re frustrated but Rob and I have learned that choosing respect is the better way. It’s one thing to confide in a trusted friend about a real problem; it’s another just to complain and whine in an unproductive way. It comes down to respect.

9. Rely on the support of close friends and family

When we’ve had big decisions to make or big issues we are going through, Rob and I have found so much comfort in our community. You don’t have to do things in isolation. We encourage each other to talk to friends, too. When Rob was dealing with something personal, I encouraged him to talk to close friends about it. This helps so much and the marriage is stronger for it.

10. Don’t keep a record or score card

Rob and I both do things around the house to keep the home running smoothly. We both take care of the children. We both do household tasks. We do not keep score of how much we do—who is doing more or when. We both try to help when it makes sense and we take the team approach. We accept that we have different roles but that we are operating on the same team with the same goal of a happy household.

Cheers to ten years!