I’m nearing the start of a new year, a ten year wedding anniversary, and my 32nd birthday. So, naturally, I start to become reflective. What did I learn this past year? What are my resolutions for the next? Yada yada—that sort of introspective thing.
For 2024, my word of the year was “cherish”. And cherish I did! I loved, loved, loved the newborn stage with Tommy and soaked in every single bit of it. I loved, loved, loved this past year with all of my boys, with Rob. I was present for every bit of it. And still, it went by too quickly.
Over the past few months, I have found myself in the midst of an undulating grief about being done having kids. I have been mourning the ending of this chapter (as all my family and friends are probably sick of me saying) and grappling with the unknown of what is next in my life.
“Act I” of my adult life was my early twenties, when I was in the midst of mental health struggles, an identity crisis, and new marriage. Managing bipolar disorder took up so much of my time and bandwidth. I struggled with being unable to hold a job or get published and yearned to prove myself to, well, myself.
And then I got pregnant and stopped caring about all that.
Enter Act II of my adult life. Act II has been full of trying to conceive, pregnancies, miscarriages, more pregnancies and miscarriages, raising babies and thinking about getting pregnant again. So much hardship, so much joy. I really, really loved it.
But, since Rob’s vasectomy, Act II is ending. I’m raising a baby, yes, but he’s my last. I’m also raising a four year old and an almost-6 year old. So I guess this is now Act III? What is in store for me in Act III?
If I’m being honest, I’m scared. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared that Act III will look like Act I. I don’t want to go backwards. I’m scared that I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m scared I wasn’t actually ready to close Act II when we made a permanent decision. I’m scared Act III won’t be fulfilling or as joyful. Who is Anna when I’m not having babies? Who is she now? It’s time to move on, move forward, and I’m scared.
Rob reminds me that I don’t need to be afraid. Just because I’m done having babies doesn’t mean I’m done being a mom. I’m still very much a mom. I still very much have my role. There is so much parenting ahead of me. For both of us. We’ve birthed the babies and now it’s time to raise them. Nurture them. Get them to their own adulthood.
So, 2025. I have some small scale resolutions, like:
- learn how to do latte art now that we have a fancy espresso machine
-stay off instagram
-keep blogging, but now on substack
-devour more books
-pray at bedtime
-be an emotional support to my pregnant friends/ mom friends
-be intentional with family
-keep up my Peloton workouts
-fully embrace the toddler stage with Tommy
Making resolutions like that, even though it may seem silly, helps me get in touch with who I am. It helps me reorient myself a bit. It’s like, “Oh yeah, that’s who Anna is.”
For Christmas, my mom got be a small sticker for the back of our minivan that says “Boy Mom.” I’m not much a sticker-on-the-car person, but I stuck the decal on the van almost immediately. Why? I guess because it’s a helpful symbol for me as I enter 2025, enter Act III. I am raising three boys. I am raising three boys. I am raising three boys!! I’m done having babies, but I am not done being a mom.
Now I’m in the child-raising time of my life. And I’m doing it with Rob, ten years into our marriage. We’ve created really something beautiful with our boys and now Act III can be all about cultivating, growing, nurturing, and sustaining that beauty together.
Enjoy your children as the grow and leave the next. I am an empty nester.